AD&D - New World

86: Meet Dru Dracos
our heroes diffuse a human bomb

With the Black Death leadership dead at their feet, the Revengers search the room. They discover the clan leaders private (and relatively spartan) bedchambers, including a secret closet and chest of items: a wand, a tied sack, a black cloak, 10 vials of liquid, and a pile of gold & platinum coins.

While they go through the items, the Black Death guards in the next room investigate what were clearly the sounds of battle. They immediately withdraw when they see the Revengers still standing and all of their comrades already dead.

To test out the mystery wand, Bea points it at the kobold corpses and fires. She discovers it is a wand of wonder — a magical item that is chaotic in nature. Due to Bea’s study of chaos magic, however, she is (sometimes!) able to control the effects of the wand. Of the other items, the party can tell the cloak and the tied sack are magical, but they do not further investigate their properties.

Meanwhile, the Black Death guards return with a sack of poisonous snakes. They toss the sack into the room and retreat. The Revengers open (mostly-magical) fire on the snakes, exploding poison throughout the room — some right into Golgaraz’s mouth. Golgaraz is stupefied and made lethargic by the poison, but Ervendio neutralizes the poison’s effects.

After several minutes, the guards return — this time with a living bomb! It is a cask of oil with a burning wick, strapped to a human slave. They attempt to send the slave into the room with the Revengers, but the party has stacked the corpses of the dead kobolds in front of the door. This might be enough to prevent a kobold from battering through — but this living bomb is a determined man, named Dru Dracos. Either possessed by a deathwish, or simply a desire to follow orders, Dru attempts to batter his way through the door (and the corpses) to deliver his lethal package.

Golgaraz and Ervendio are able to spellcast through the battered door, knocking away the chains attaching Dru to the bomb, and gooping the bomb itself — putting out the lit fuse and attaching it to the far wall, away from the Revengers. But Dru has trouble understanding his status as “rescued” by the Revengers — he has been enslaved in the mountain for years, and he perceives the Revengers as enemies.

The party is able to reverse-lock-pick the door to the hallway, buying them some time, but the kobolds continue to harass them. The kobolds unlock the door with their own keys — but as a kobold tries to re-light the oil pot, it explodes and he dies aflame.

Outside in the hall, a new foe has arrived: kobolds from Strike Force Zedd, an elite group of soldiers taken from all 12 clans of the mountain. Armed with shields and accompanied by monstrous dragon-kin, they attempt to block any retreat or escape for the Revengers and draw them into combat in the hall.

A chaotic battle unfolds. Dru charges the attackers, even as Bea tells him not to enter the fray. Bea casts a vortex that decimates the attackers, but not before Valeria gets caught in a dangerous bottleneck in the doorway, facing one of the dragon-kin.

Unprepared for Bea’s magical assault, this initial encounter with Strike Force Zedd ends in a decisive victory for the Revengers. But Dru has been caught in the crossfire of Bea’s spell, and when Mildred reappears he snaps — he lunges for the wizardly kobold and is violently restrained by the rest of the party.

Held down and blinded, Dru is finally interrogated by the Revengers — he was part of an assault team that entered the mountain from another plane, a far-away world called Krynn. He was enslaved by the Wishbone clan, and he proposes to lead the Revengers to the other slaves there, inciting a slave rebellion against the Wisbones’ vicious leader Karlanaat.

Intrigued by this information, the Revengers free Dru, arm him (lightly) and armor him (improvisationally)….

Group Awards
poisonous snakes, 1050
kobolds, 56
dragon-kin, 2800
Group Total: 3906 Individual Awards: 651

Individual Totals
Bea 3651 (Vortex of Bea’s 3000, Group 651)
Dru 3651 (They Call Me Tiny Slim 3000, Group 651)
Ervendio 3651 (Knock Locks 3000, Group 651)
Golgaraz 3651 (Poisonous Mouthful of Guts 3000, Group 651)
Mildred 3651 (Die, Devil Dog! 3000, Group 651)
Valeria 3651 (Stupefied 3000, Group 651)

a black cloak (magic)
a tied sack (magic)
a wand of wonder (Bea)

10 vials of liquid (not magic)

300 gp
20 pp

85: Kit & Kaboodle
our heroes experience failed negotiations

The Revengers re-materialize from their ethereal state in the very heart of Clan Black Death! Very different from the Dreadnoughts, Black Death are a military clan charged with guarding the Mountain That Moves from outside invaders. They speak proper draconic instead of the bastardized kobold language of the Dreadnoughts and the Urds.

The leader of Black Death informs the party they are known invaders of the mountain, called “The Killers” by the native kobolds. He expresses that he does not wish to fight them — this is Black Death’s home and their families are near by. The Revengers attempt to negotiate passage to the dragon’s lair, but the leader of Black Death is resolute that they must not pass. He reveals the dragon’s name is Infyrana, Queen of the Mountain, and she does not negotiate with anyone.

They ask directly about the missing piece of the rod, but Black Death has never heard of it. Perhaps it is part of Infyrana’s treasure hoard, but that’s not the sort of detail a lowly Black Deather would have.

Inspecting the maps and charts on the walls, Valeria has a natural talent for deciphering the kobolds’ scratchings and drawings. She’s able to figure out that Black Death is allied with the Torn Claws and enemies with the Rusty Blades; the Dreadnoughts are allied with the Mangled Fists and enemies with Gnarled Fangs and the Skullkickers; and the Bloods are are allied with the Wishbones and enemies with Humanbane.

The Revengers attempt to use this information to further work with Black Death, but Black Death refuses to work with any outsiders against the interests of the kobolds of the mountain.

The party finally agrees that they will be moving on — but through the Black Death kobolds in their path.

There is a battle! The Revengers handily wipe out the Black Death elite guards and the clan leader, but not before two poison arrows strike Valeria and Kit, respectively. Bea casts alternate reality to save Valeria’s life, but the arrow that strikes Kit is laced with a deadly poison that takes immediate effect. Kit Tik, son of Teks, the Garath, Knight of Mypp, Revenger, .01 years young, dies from a kobold arrow.

Bea’s summoned shadow-dao casts an illustory limited wish, allowing Kit some illusory last words. He wants someone to carry on his mission as the Garath … but none of the Revengers are willing to carry on his legacy.

He will be remembered, but it appears Kit’s mission has failed….

Group Awards
kobolds (7), 49
kobold shaman, 35
kobold chieftan, 15

Group Total 99. Individual Award 20.

Individual Totals
Bea 3020 (Un-Poisoner 3000, Group 20)
Ervendio 3020 (#Blessed 3000, Group 20)
Golgaraz 3020 (Reluctant Fireball 3000, Group 20)
Kit 3020 (A Bright But Brief Light 3000, Group 20)
Valeria 3020 (Kobold Map Reader 3000, Group 20)

84: Dreadnoughts Defeated
our heroes defeat a kobold clan

The Revengers go back to the start — to the stable they avoided at the beginning of their exploration of Dreadnought territory — and find a frightened but sleepy stablekeeper there. He can lead them to the Dreadnought boss, Nasan, but will only work with the Revengers if they look like they’re going to win. He is very upfront about this!

The stablekeep leads them back toward the fiery hallway trap — but reveals an illusory wall leading to Nasan’s chambers. It was the same wall Valeria had checked for secret doors a few days before. Down a short hallway, they find a small dining room — and sitting atop a throne of trash is the Dreadnought boss.

The Revengers offer to trade their kobold baby in exchange for Nasan’s gleaming blue blade — seemingly Chyrithis, the elven blade. Nasan offers to give the Revengers anything they want — if they can strike down his champion!

Ervendio strikes down the Dreadnought champion.

Heat metal kills the champion in his armor. Ervendio claims the blade as Nasan, in a rage, rescinds on his deal and orders his Dreadnought guards to attack the Revengers. The party juggles fighting off the Dreadnought guards, stopping the escape of Nassan, and getting the kobold baby back to her mother, JJudee Dreadnought.

From the defeated Nasan, the Revengers learn the ruler of the Mountain That Moves is a female red dragon. Nasan calls her The Queen. He claims to have never seen the creature directly, but he fears her and will take no direct action against her. He also reveals there are three levels to the Mountain That Moves (“four, if you count the mines”) and twelve distinct kobold clans: Wyrmguard, Wishbones, Humanbane, Black Death, Blood, Rusty Blades, Skullkickers, Dreadnought, Mangled Fist, Gnarled Fang, Torn Claws, and Urd.

Nasan also explains the map found by the Revengers — it warns of dangers at the Grand Staircase, protected by clan Black Death, which leads to the second level.


The Revengers turn ethereal and slip past the Black Death guards, past even some bizarre creatures that can sense them in their trans-planar state, and, despite the Black Death being alerted to their invisible presence, move past several guarded rooms on level 2 of the mountain. They slip into (and out of) what might be some sort of granary or barn, then re-materialize in the middle of what appears to be a Black Death planning session….

Group Awards
Stable Kobold, 650
Nasan’s Champion, 7
Nasan’s Guards, 56
Mother & Child, 6000

Group Total: 6713 Individual Award: 1119

Individual Totals
Bea 4119 (Former Adoptive Mother 3000, Group 1119)
Ervendio 5619 (Champion Dreadnought 3000, Elf Burials 1500, Group 1119)
Golgaraz 4119 (Ethereal Explorer 3000, Group 1119)
Kit 4119 (Murderous Apprentice 3000, Group 1119)
Mildred 4119 (Kobold Charmer 3000, Group 1119)
Valeria 4119 (Baby Wrangler 3000, Group 1119)

a gleaming blue two-handed longsword

Bertram Figg's "Adventures in Space" Volume III
A gnome falls to earth...

November 6th, 1917: Somewhere off of the coast of Casablanca,

A vermillion streak lights up the sky and disappears into the ocean. There, a pulsing glow awaits.

“All hands! All hands! HMS Begonia this is a Code Black.”

“Captain, U-Boat surfacing off of our port bow!”

“Prepare for impact.”

Steel crashes into steel, the Begonia lurches and rolls on her side. The German vessel U-151 , captained by Waldemar Kophamel, came around and began to exchange fire with the Begonia, deck cannons roaring over the quiet winter night.
“Alarm! Alarm!”
“We have him Captain.”
“Bring him to me.”
“He’s barely conscious sir, he keeps mumbling ‘Purplebot—’ "
“I said bring him to me!” Kophamel growls.

Bertram Figg is dropped before captain’s chair, sopping wet, stinking of the sea, and shivering cold. Kophamel wastes no time. "371 years, 8 months, and 22 days ago a vessel descended from the sky above what is now Eastern Prussia. It crashed, and from the remains a number of ‘artifacts’ were recovered by the church and brought before Martin Luther himself. Something in the relics from the vessel, presumably radiation, made him sick, and three days later, he was dead. Among them, this letter. It reads,

“To Bertram Figg,
If all goes according to plan, you should arrive at 33°45’08.1”N 7°39’08.7"W on the evening of, according to the Earth calendar, ‘November 6th, 1917.’ Naked as the day you were born. If you’ve made it this far, you will know Minja and I are long dead. However, time is a funny thing. It’s not a straight line, but more like, a curve? I don’t know how this will get to you, or why. Your magic will not work the same way here. It will change, and it will change you. =——————≥≥≥≥≥≥≥÷√÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷˙¥¶
This is a Letter of Compulsive Delivery. It must be passed on until it reaches you. No matter the cost, time, distance, or danger involved. I will return to this exact location in 455 years, 5 months, and 19 days. Wait for me there, and I will return you to your time.
Your friend,

-Teks Tik"

Captain Kophamel cleared his throat. "Every emperor of Germanic lands has been given this document. It has been studied, disputed, forgotten, discovered, studied again, forgotten again, rediscovered, and re-examined, until it lands here with me, and you, and….here we are. On the behalf of Kaiser Wilhelm II, the German empire, and the Kingdom of Prussia, we consider our debt paid, this matter settled, and would you please place this man under arrest, and put hi—


“What’s that, herr Figg?”


After the war, when Kaiser Wilhelm fled to the Netherlands, Bertram made a new life for himself in England. He assumed the name Christopher Hewett.

According to record, Hewett was born in Worthing, Sussex, to an army officer father and an Irish mother who was a descendant of Daniel O’Connell. He was educated at Beaumont College and at Wimbledon College, and at aged 7, made his acting debut in Dublin stage production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream. At age 16, Hewett joined the Royal Air Force, leaving in 1940. Hewett then joined the Oxford Repertory Company and made his West End theatre debut in 1943.

He later appeared on Broadway in the musicals My Fair Lady, The Unsinkable Molly Brown, Music Is and Kean and in the plays Sleuth and The Affair, among others, and directed the 1960 Broadway revue From A to Z and the 1967 Off Broadway revival of the Rodgers and Hart musical By Jupiter. Hewett also directed several stage productions including The Marriage-Go-Round and Beyond the Fringe and Camelot.

Hewett made his film debut in the crime drama Pool of London (1951), and later appeared in roles on Robert Montgomery Presents and DuPont Show of the Month. He appeared as the grand theatre director Roger DeBris in Mel Brooks’s comedy film The Producers (1968). In 1976, Hewett played the generic bureaucrat Federov in the short-lived sitcom Ivan the Terrible. During the 1979-80 season, he played Captain Hook to Sandy Duncan’s Peter Pan on Broadway. From 1983 to 1984, he portrayed Lawrence, Mr. Roarke’s (Ricardo Montalbán) sidekick on the final season of the ABC series Fantasy Island.

The following year, Hewett landed his best known role as Lynn Aloysius Belvedere, an English butler who works for a middle class American family in the sitcom Mr. Belvedere. After the series ended its run in 1990, Hewett appeared in a guest spot on an episode of the NBC teen sitcom California Dreams in 1994. His last onscreen role was a cameo appearance on the Fox series Ned and Stacey in 1997.

A devout Catholic and lifelong bachelor, Hewett served at St. Victor’s Church in West Hollywood. During his later years, he suffered from arthritis and diabetes.

Hewett “died” on 3 August 2001, at his Los Angeles home from complications of diabetes. He was 80 years old.

Bertram laid his old persona to rest just as he had so many others. It was a cold night in the fields of Borgdorf, 83 years, 8 months, and 28 days since Bertram had received Teks’ letter. Teks was right, magic had changed him. He was taller now, advanced in age but not in vitality. He had aggregated a moderate gut, and a full beard. A vermillion glow lit up the night, this time coming to a gentle landing before the old man waiting in the early morning mist. A door opened, and a formorian emerged, gizmos whirring about inside. Behind him, Teks rolled forward. Invalid in his old age, he wheeled forward and extended a claw, Bertram took it, and was led aboard. Soon, the droplet shaped craft ascended back from which it came, and the fields of Borgdorf were still once again.

83: The Shit Monster is Dead
our heroes kill a shit monster

With the treant dead, the Revengers explore the abandoned elven enclave. They mostly find destruction — and bones. The remains of an elven child near a still-bubbling fountain, skeletal corpses still wearing cloaks of elvenkind.

After exploring several buildings (and finding several skeletons), they decide to start burying them. In some kind of administrator’s building they find a letter indicating Chyrithis, a gleaming, magical blade was left by the elves in the “halfling’s vale”.

The Revengers estimate this glade was the circular room they’d left some kobold guards in — they circle back. They discover a room of kobold corpses under burial shrouds — the guards they killed on their previous excursion. They battle another group of guards — six are killed, two run away. The sword is nowhere to be found.

Finding signs that indicate the room with the garbage monster is actually the “halfling vale,” the party heads in that direction. En route they meet Bimmer Dreadnought, a tongueless kobold who pledges himself as Kit’s apprentice after Kit contacts him using his psionic powers. Bimmer believes he must murder the other Revengers in order to continue his training.

The Revengers find the otyugh they previously fled. This time, protected from the swarming insects, they destroy the trash-beast — but not before Golgaraz is bitten by the creature and (briefly) infected with a disfiguring disease.


The otyugh turns to trashy goop as MIldred returns from … wherever she was lurking and the party strikes a killing blow. Chyrithis is still nowhere to be seen….

Group Awards
Elven Enclave Exploration, 6000
6 kobolds, 42
otyugh, 1400

Group Total: 7442, Individual Award: 1485

Individual Totals
Bea 4485 (Baby Minder 3000, Group 1485)
Golgaraz 4485 (Shit Stained 3000, Group 1485)
Kit 4485 (A New Student 3000, Group 1485)
Mildred 4485 (Late Arrival 3000, Group 1485)
Valeria 4485 (Bone Burial 3000, Group 1485)

LOOT (incomplete — will be filled in asap)
2 cloaks of elvenkind (Bea, Golgaraz)
1 sapphire (4k gp)
battered broad sword
battered silver amulet
1 boot dagger
longsword +3 (Lil Yankee)

82: Fire Retardants
our heroes avoid bombs, catch on fire, cut down Kevin

The Revengers take refuge in the empty and abandoned Dreadnought barracks. While keeping watch, Valeria witnesses a kobold creeping open the door and rolling a starpot into the room — a clay pot, filled with oil, with a lit wick attached.

Valeria chucks the starpot back out of the room, exploding it against the wall. Flame explodes and engulfs the hallway (and the three kobolds who had delivered it). They shut the door, the fire burns down as they rest, and the rest of the evening passes uneventfully.

Passing empty bunkrooms and an abandoned kitchen — seemingly only empty for a day or two — Golgaraz tries some of the fetid, stinky soup. He immediately pukes it back up. Lil Yankee ingests the soup with no difficulty.

The party enters a room that used to be a faux human-sized tavern — it’s clearly been repurposed as a Dreadnought gathering place. They scavenge a wineskin from among the trash, abandoned cups, and overturned furniture. The party discovers a hallway whose walls have been made to replicate a human city street — clearly they are walking through some kind of faux cityscape built to make human visitors feel at home, but long-since repurposed by the Dreadnought clan as their home.

Valeria suspects there his some kind of hidden door or passage near the hallway, but she cannot find access to a door. Exploring the faux-city hallway, the party opens a set of double-doors — and find themselves in a dead-end. A dozen kobolds spring out from hidden places near the top of the faux city “walls” and douse the hallway with oil. Another kobold drops a torch — igniting the hallway, and nearly catching the Revengers on fire! Chow Chow catches fire and Valeria puts him out. Volcano catches fire and nearly dies, losing all of her fur in the flame.

The kobolds fire arrows at the flaming Revengers, but Golgaraz obscures their line of sight with the bagpipes of fog. Bea fabricates a wall to separate them from the kobolds. Mildred stoneshapes a passage through the dead end hallway — and the Revengers find themselves in a peaceful forest glen.

Natural daylight seems to filter in form an unseen source, and the group sees several buildings built in an elvish style. One of the buildings looks like it has been crushed by a tree, but there is no fallen tree present. Golgaraz plant-talks to one of the other trees, who warns him to beware of Kevin — an annoying, murderous treant.

Kevin, a huge, sentient, mobile tree appears, and immediately attacks ! Valeria chops at its trunk and Mildred speedrots Kevin — which causes a circle of plant death around her, including the tree who warned Golgaraz.

Kevin, having gone mad from so much time isolated in this artificial glen, falls from the rot and Valeria’s chops. It is about to tell its long, sorrowful story to the Revengers, but Mildred puts it out of its misery with a sling stone to the trunk.

The Revengers continue exploring the glen, finding a clear fountain, still pulsing clear water. Bea dips her unwettable fin-hand into it. The skeleton of an elvish child is found nearby in the weeds — long dead. They find a ring on its finger and Golgaraz slips it on — a ring of protection. A symbol of safety and protection in this otherwise inhospitable mountain lair….

Group Awards
3 kobolds, 21
fiery escape, 600
treeant, 7000

Group Total: 7621 Individual Award: 1906

Individual Totals
Bea 4906 (Unwettable Hand 3000, Group 1906)
Golgaraz 4906 (Soup Bitchin’ 3000, Group 1906)
Mildred 4906 (Speedrot 3000, Group 1906)
Valeria 4906 (Starpot Pitcher 3000, Group 1906)

wineskin of wine
ring of protection, +3 (Golgaraz)

81: Trash Monsters
our heroes work through the muck

The party enters Dreadnought territory, but they don’t encounter many Dreadnoughts. This entire area of the mountain smells of (and is littered with) garbage. Valeria opens a door and is covered with the sticky, slimy, smelly mess within; Carol/Ann and Golgaraz manage to avoid a similar fate.

The passages they open are marked by signs indicating they have built for — or once housed — a variety of different humanoid races, but all of the signs have been defaced or altered by the current kobold occupants. The Revengers find a former stable that is now a garbage dump; they hear snoring within, and retreat.

Another room appears to be a garbage clearing house that was hastily abandoned, for reasons unknown. They hear a crying baby and find a baby Dreadnought — Bea magicks a carrying strap for the little one and names it (?) … Bea. The party finds other rooms in similar states — though filled with trash, they were obviously lived in, and just as obviously left empty in a hurry.

The Revengers discover a room of Dreadnought guards. Kit attempts to contact one of them psionically, but the party never learns if his attempts are successful. Lil Yankee boomerangs one of their legs off, and Golgaraz fireballs seven, killing them. The other 8 guards seem to hang back, unwilling to fight; the Revengers do not engage them.

They encounter an otyugh living in a water-filled burrow built for otherworldy halflings. Mildred and Valeria suffer some bug bites, and the Revengers again retreat.

In another room, they encounter a giant slug. Tik tries to contact it psionically, but the giant animal simply spits acid on him. Golgaraz heals Kit and they slam the door shut.

A looming hallway with doors on all sides await them. Surely the Dreadnoughts are here somewhere … but where?

Group Awards
A Trash Baby, 6000
Kobold Guards, 105

Group Total: 6105 Individual Award: 1001

Individual Totals
Bea 4001 (New Mother 3000, Group 1001)
Ervendio 4001 (Everything Smells Like Trash 3000, Group 1001)
Golgaraz 4001 (Heart to Heart Talk 3000, Group 1001)
Kit 4001 (Acid Slugged 3000, Group 1001)
Mildred 4001 (I Was Looking For Bones 3000, Group 1001)
Valeria 4001 (Garbage Dumped 3000, Group 1001)

Bertram Figg's "Adventures in Space" Volume II

It was summertime on Farth, and the wind blew gently over Bertram’s face as he lay on soft bacterial loafs. The air smelled of eggs, and temperatures in the summers here could easily roast a man alive if caught unawares without some form of shelter. Bertram was awares, and had established accommodations for himself as best he could. Roughly a year had passed since the incident aboard the Pounder, and now stranded here on this distant world, Bertram knew he would die alone.

“No, wake up, you have work to do.”

Conditions on Farth were harsh for the little gnome. Only the most primitive, primordial forms of life existed here. In the winter, when he first arrived (approximately 600 days ago), the temperatures had descended well into the negatives. He was only able to keep warm by burning pitch, which was wreaking havoc on his lungs. For food, he skimmed algae off of the surface of shallow pools, boiled moss, and dug pits with tools made of bone and obsidian to trap a type of large, non-parasitic, bilateral worm. Clean water was fortunately plentiful, but Bertram soon learned the soft way that precautionary measures must be taken before drinking.

Now, Bertram welcomed the evening sun to warm the rock of his shelter. Bertram had nothing but time to reflect on the last year. His own stubbornness had led him here, through many twists and turns. Could he have lasted another month on the Pounder? Sure, probably. But he couldn’t let Dewhammer win.

On his last week under Captain Dewhammer, things had become very grave for the crew of the Pounder. Dewhammer had grown increasingly unpredicatable, and it was taking an immense toll on the crew. It became clear that the Captain was hiding the true reason behind their journey out into wildspace. Dewhammer would pace in his quarters, storm to the helm and ask for their bearing, then stare directly up, sigh deeply, and stomp back to bed demanding to be informed of any changes. Meanwhile the chief’s mate, Kroll, glided about the rigging barking orders. The crew had been made to run fire drills every hour on the hour. Something big was coming, but no one seemed to know what it was.

Bertram was determined to find out. When Bertram was brought aboard, he was stripped of his belongings, particularly his magical items. Dewhammer was extremely suspicious of magic, a prejudice the Giff are well-known for. Bertram had managed to steal a piece of gum arabic from Dewhammer’s quarters, he plucked an eyelash and mashed the two together while speaking a few soft words. Just like that, he disappeared. He went into Dewhammer’s quarters and read his journal, not only discovering Dewhammer’s plans for the Pounder, but Dewhammer’s plans for Bertram.

They were going to enter the phlogiston. Bertram knew what this meant. That he would be drugged, sealed in a Wondrous Device for the Preservation of Life Indefinitely While Traveling Through the Flow With Trusted Friends Through the Natural Properties of Phlogiston, or “WDPLIWTTFWTFTNPP” for short.

He worked out a deal with the rats. If they helped him scuttle the ship, he would repay them with delicious treasure and a means of escape.

Bertram’s plan backfired. The rats had sabotaged the rigging as they were supposed to, but as the Pounder listed into the phlogiston, a chaotic scene unfolded. Captain Dewhammer emerged from his quarters furiously itching.

“It’s the gnome! He brought this pestilence upon me! Get me Bertram Figg!” Kroll descended from the mast.
“Captain! Where have you been?! She’s heading into the phlogiston, there’s no way to pull her out!”
“It’s Figg! Find him!” Dewhammer wailed as large hives pulsed on his face and chest. “I can’t itch with these stumpy hands of mine, Kroll help me please!” Dewhammer fell to his knees, wailing.
Kroll frowned, stepped back, and drew his dagger. “Men! Relieve the Captain and throw him in the brig, you’ll be taking orders from me now! Load the pods! We’re going in!”
As the hibernation capsules opened they vented a gaseous fog around the deck, a small wisp of movement could be seen making its way to the galley…
“Captain…Kroll, sir, um…we are 10 pods short. So I opened the occupied ones and these squid-faced things came out and first they wanted to know why they were awakened and then they wanted me to ask you what is going on and it just was like angry screaming in my brain but then things went quiet and I can hear them! I can hear them!!!” Crewman of the Pounder began throwing themselves overboard to escape the psychic onslaught.

Dewhammer emerged from below decks again, this time armed, and with an escort.

“Krollll!” Boris Dewhammer stomped his feet, chomped his helmet strap, and charged. Those crewmembers and passengers that survived, took to the remaining pods. And then, there was quiet.

“Ayyy Bertram, is it safe to come out?”
“Yea Bertram, where’s the food dood?”

Bertram winked back to the visible spectrum. “Alright, alright…here.. the key to the waste bin. Have at it.”

The rats scurried below. “One thing left to do…” Bertram stepped cautiously over the corpses of his old crewmates. He pulled a bit of canvas and string out of his pocket and mumbled a few words as the Pounder was restored with a ghostly rigging.

“Impressive, Figg.” Dewhammer gurgled, pressing a wound on his neck with kerchief. Bertram whirled around as Dewhammer’s stumpy fist landed on his chin. Things went dark.

Dewhammer attempted to right the ship from its present course, but it was too late. The Pounder smacked into the phlogiston at an angle, and was torn asunder. In the debris field, the rats congregated around Bertram and a slab of muenster, forming a narrow slip of air that glided to the blue/green orb below. When Bertram awoke, his clothes were disheveled, the Muenster was gone, and there was a note.

“Buttram, tihs sall ur fawlt. We h8 it hair. U suck.—the ratts

ps. ’weres tha fud dud?"

They were gone. Millions of years from now, their descendants would form an egalitarian society and ascend to the stars as their ancestors, long forgotten, once did.

80: Granny Dreadnought
our heroes move past the courtyard

Entering the Mountain That Moves, Ervendio sends Carol/Ann ahead to look for traps. She turns into a rat and triggers a block trap that could have smashed the party to pulp. Instead, Carol/Ann and Mildred move past the trap and reconnoiter a large courtyard patrolled by more Black Death kobolds. Valeria joins them in bat-form.

Mildred pops out of rat-form and introduces herself to the guards as “Granny Dreadnought.” They mistake her for an old crone from another clan. She talks them into re-setting the trap and letting her out the front — Hardd Bargann Black Death hustles off to reset the trap. The winch to reset it is on a different level.

In the meantime, Bea tries to feather fall the block trap and make it easier to raise. Instead, her spell surges with unknown effects.

Jimo Black Death raises the portcullis for Mildred, if Mildred promises to put in a good word for him with Judee Dreadnought. Mildred agrees to. The Black Deaths send a team of janitors in to clean up the mess they expect will be there from its triggering. The group ethereals in and plans to ambush the janitors, springing the trap on them and instigating a fight with the Black Death guards.

Kit questions if they are going to kill the janitors; Valeria makes herself visible and stops the trap from triggering. Mildred, as Granny Dreadnought, says Valeria is with her and a friend of her clan. She convinces the Black Deaths to allow them through to Dreadnought territory, and the rest of the Revengers join them as ethereal tag alongs….

Group Awards
Block Trap Triggered, 600
The Janitor Gambit, 1200

Group Total: 1800 Individual Award: 300

Individual Totals:
Bea 3300 (A Real Wild Mage 3000, Group 300)
Ervendio 3300 (To Teach a Thief 3000, Group 300)
Golgaraz 3300 (An Illusion of Guts 3000, Group 300)
Kit 3300 (Are We Killing Janitors? 3000, Group 300)
Mildred 3300 (Granny Dreadnought 3000, Group 300)
Valeria 3300 (Trap-Stopper 3000, Group 300)

Bertram Figg's "Adventures in Space" Vol. 1

Bertram took his watch in the crow’s nest on a calm night. “FInally, a chance for some sleep.” His bunk smelled like dirty socks and body odour. To combat it, he kept a nosegay stuffed with oregano, thyme, and mint in his chest pocket. He had to try to get some rest after weeks of tense nights looking out for errant monuments of ice and rock careening toward their vessel. Bertram kissed his fingers, huffed his nosegay, then tapped the mast and dozed off.

His duties aboard the Pounder had greatly expanded since he signed his papers. Only receiving the 300th lay, Bertram wished he could go back and have read the contract a little more closely. He was chief cook, chief cabin boy, and sub-swab. Watch in the crow’s nest was supposed to be punishment, meted out by Captain Boris Dewhammer. Bertram had made the mistake of talking back to Dewhammer after he complained of gritty lentils and stale bread. “What that lecher didn’t know is he was actually doing me a favor.” Bertram knew the meal wasn’t his best effort, but the conditions he had to work in were less than ideal. He had one Mate, Descruto, who didn’t know a scrapple from a love apple. The rats on board had staged a minor mutiny when Bertram imposed a moratorium on his sunflower seeds; turning over his drawers and defecating in the milk. It was hopeless.

Bertram awoke from another galley nightmare. “How long that time? Twenty minutes?” Bertram sat up and pulled his poncho in around him. He sipped on lukewarm tea and looked out at the stars. Every movement of the ship was more pronounced so high above the deck. Dewhammer had figured Bertram for a landlubberly nub, and Bertram had kept secret his experience aboard Jasmine’s Grace and the Sokuba. He wanted Dewhammer to believe his punishment was working, even though he was used to the pitch and roll of the seas, which was far less pronounced on a spelljammer. He pretended to wretch in a waste bucket he brought with him, then leaned forward against it.

As he drifted off again, he thought of the Revengers for the first time in months. He simply hadn’t had a moment to process it all until now.

Bertram coughed and itched a rash we was developing on his back. What was Valeria doing at this very second? How far along were they on their quest? Were they even still alive? He had no way of knowing. Bea and Ervendio would have to protect them now. “I just simply couldn’t do it anymore.” It had all come about after their encounter with Glimmer Greymane. “If the gods were turning tail, what hope did we have?” Bertram thought. “Maybe if I took the rod away from Ervendio, I could have broken the influence it held over him—maybe I could have talked some sense into him!” At the very least, he would heed Greymane’s warning—flee into the far reaches of space and keep the rod from ever being fully reunited. It was a desperate plot, made in haste, with all the emotion of a gnome who was on the cusp of losing everyone he loved all over again.

Now his situation was dire. Dewhammer was a good captain, but rotten to the core. His crew respected him because he kept them alive, and supplied them with as much dust and grog as they could consume. But he was abusive toward his crew, and even his passengers. Bertram’s unwillingness to entertain Dewhammer’s dirty jokes and persistent sexual advances meant he was disinvited from the Captain’s mess for supper. Instead, he was made to listen outside the door as Dewhammer and his officers went on about their sexual conquests and the indignities crewmen were made to suffer. Bertram knew his only way out of this situation would be to jump ship the next time they made port. But, given the strength of their stores, that could be weeks, or months away. Until then, he would have to keep up the appearance of a man broken, without actually breaking.

Bertram knew he had to come up with a plan, and fast.


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